My mom told me to never read the writing on the bathroom walls. It’s all smut, she said, as she aired her grievances about the kinds of people who would deface the sides of a perfectly good crapper bunker. It’s not like you learn anything valuable or important… you’re never going to find a ransom […]
Egg-scuse Me, My Sweater is Caught on your Tooth
Whenever I read something that opens with, “There’s a new trend in Japan…” I giddily brace myself for a delicious brain-tingling treat. Ice cream dispensers that look like butts? Yes, please. Wasabi flavored Kit-Kat bars? Heck yeah. A cartoon about a super lazy egg yolk named Gudetama? OF COURSE. Well, an article I just read […]
You got it, we’ll laser it
It was 1992, when seat belts were optional and leaving kids in an idle car was called “Tuesday”. I was 6 years old, wandering the toy aisles of Gibson’s General Store, thinking about how my neighbor Trisha would lose her mind if I got the Rollerskating Barbie that shot *actual* sparks from her wheels. Those […]
My New Favorite Smell is Called ‘Sweet Sigh of Relief: Back to School Edition’
How was my weekend? Thanks for asking! Well, on Saturday I schlepped over to the HEB for some zip-lock bags and other little household items. As a quick aside, zip-lock bags were the differentiator between primitive man and modern man. You ever see someone carry a sandwich in his or her bare hand? It looks […]
On Flossing and Talking Back
Remember when you were in middle school history class and your incredibly boring and ancient teacher berated you in front of the whole class for forgetting to do your homework? First came that wave of humiliation and utter embarrassment, then came the guilt. Maybe you even sat there with hot tears welling up in your […]